What if It’s Not Failure—Just a Response You Learned Long Ago?
Dear You,
You had plans today. Maybe not anything huge, but enough to give the day structure. A few tasks on your list to take care of—or maybe even a moment set aside for yourself. You were looking forward to checking off some boxes, staying on track at your pace, and feeling like you were keeping up.
And then something happened. An unexpected call. A crisis at work. A child who needed you. Or maybe it was one thing after another, slowly interrupting the day.
And before you knew it, your day was derailed.
You didn’t get to what you needed to do. The list is still sitting there, sans check marks. And now, on top of everything else, comes a spike of frustration, anxiety, and stress—culminating in a piercing wave of self-judgment:
“I can’t believe how stupid I am.”
“Why didn’t I see this coming?”
“Everyone else gets things done. What’s wrong with me?”
It might activate feelings of shame. The kind that says I’m not good enough. The kind that reprimands you for having “wasted” the day—like you’ve messed up in a life you’ve been trying so hard to get right.
You’re not failing. And you’re not defective.
But you may be replaying long-held stress and anxiety responses.
Not the kind you’re always aware of. Not the kind that feel optional. These patterns live in the deeper, more tender parts of your mind. They hum in the background 24/7. They are what I often call your autopilot—the responses that come front and center not just because of what happened, but because of what it meant to you when your day didn’t go as planned.
You wanted to feel capable. Like you were getting somewhere.
And yes, sometimes life happens and plans get disrupted.
But when your autopilot takes over—and the shame spiral ignites—that’s a sign your body and mind are carrying something bigger than just today.
And yes—as cliché as it might sound—it goes back to childhood.
If you grew up in an environment where things felt unpredictable or distressing… where love was conditional… where your needs were dismissed or minimized… your nervous system adapted in ways that made sense at the time. It learned to stay on high alert. To look for danger. To prepare for disappointment.
If you were taught that being “good” meant perfection—where failure wasn’t an option—then even small disruptions can feel like personal failures. And when that happens, those old negative messages come rushing back, layering over the core of who you are.
Even if your conscious mind doesn’t connect today’s struggle with the past, your body remembers. It brings forward the same reactions you learned long ago—because it thinks that’s how to keep you safe.
It might feel like:
Tightening sensations in your body
The urge to fix everything or make up for it
Guilt that floods in before you’ve even named what’s “wrong”
The spiral of thoughts that convince you the day is ruined—or worse, you ruined it
But you are not defective. You are not broken. You are responding.
Responding from a nervous system that learned to brace for judgment, for chaos, for having to figure it all out on your own.
This is how overwhelm can show up—as self-blame. As guilt. As a loop of thoughts that tear you down.
But what if a derailed day didn’t have to mean tearing yourself apart?
What if it could be a signpost instead—pointing toward the tenderness inside you that’s asking to be seen?
Therapy can help you understand anxiety not as a flaw, but as an appropriate response to your life experiences. It can help you connect the dots—not just to the past, but to the needs that were never met, the safety that was never felt, and the shame that was never yours to carry.
This work doesn’t ask you to relive every wound. It offers the chance to relate to yourself differently.
So the question becomes: What do I want to offer the younger version of me—the one who tried so hard to get it all right?
You don’t have to stay in this cycle.
You’re not failing.
You’re responding.
And the place that response comes from deserves care, compassion, and space to heal.
Warmly,
Carol
Carol A. Covelli, LCSW, PLLC